A Conversation with Myself about Loneliness
The one where I want to run away from the feelings and fall back into old patterns because it's more comfortable than THIS...
I feel something right now.
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?
Something I don’t really like. I guess it’s uncomfortable… I want out of my body.
WHY ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?
I just feel restless, fidgeting, searching for something… sad, I guess.
I’m pacing now… I got up and looked in the fridge. Nothing.
I went upstairs to get my journal, but I couldn’t focus.
Maybe it’s boredom… ?
ARE YOU BORED?
Not really… maybe - I just want out. OF THIS FEELING.
I was painting, listening to inspiring YouTube videos… and now I’m writing this.
What I really want to do is reach out to that person I’m trying not to reach out to.
Like a cigarette or any addiction, I think he’ll make me feel better.
Even if he frustrates me, which he 100% will, he’ll make me feel something OTHER THAN THIS.
But I can’t even put my finger on what I’m feeling.
SO HOW CAN YOU KNOW THAT YOU WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT?
Well, I feel uncomfortable, and that feels like I want to run from it or eat something or talk to him.
I’m sad I guess. I’m lonely I guess.
ARE YOU SAD AND LONELY?
Actually, I was fine until I started thinking about how alone I am all the time…
That’s when I started wondering if it was even healthy to spend this much time alone.
At least if you’re in a relationship and you’re alone, there’s always someone there.
SO YOU FELT FINE UNTIL YOU MADE UP A STORY ABOUT BEING ALONE?
Yeah, I guess, and now I feel sad and want to get out of that feeling.
AND YOU THINK SOMEONE ELSE IS THE ANSWER TO YOUR LONELINESS?
Well, yes. Because if someone was here, I wouldn’t be lonely.
BUT YOU’VE BEEN LONELY WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP... ?
Yes, many times, and it made me sad… but at least someone was THERE, physically, a body, a person was there, in the house with me.
WHY IS THAT BETTER?
It’s not, actually, it’s worse. I remember saying, if I’m going to be alone, I may as well actually live alone.
AND NOW THAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY LIVING ALONE?
It’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m fine most days, it’s late in the evening that I start feeling a little… antsy.
Alone is alone. But when someone else is there and you’re lonely, you can blame them instead of yourself, I guess.
It’s much harder to be alone all the time.
It’s different if you are surrounded by people all day at a job or with kids, or whatever, and it’s a relief to come home and be alone… but when you’re alone all day and all night, you start wondering if your dogs are lonely since they don’t see anyone but you.
I wish there was a good show on Netflix to binge.
SO YOU’RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF TO MAKE THIS FEELING GO AWAY? LIKE A PERSON OR FOOD OR A SHOW?