Everything She Never Had // Chapter 1

It was all yellow... How did I get here?

I’m lying on my back staring at the ceiling, which is probably white, but looks kind of yellow. Maybe the walls are yellow, and the ceiling is white, but overall, the feeling is yellow. Like a dull, drab, old dirty butter yellow.

I hear a humming somewhere in the distance.

There’s a small window near the yellow or white ceiling on the wall above my head where this bed is pushed up against, and I keep thinking, I wish it was open to let in some fresh air.

The bed is small, and the mattress is thin and hard and possibly covered in vinyl. I have one small, child-sized pillow and a yellow blanket that feels like it’s been washed a million times and starched so heavily that it barely falls over the curves of my body. It’s as stiff as I feel laying here in my vintage black slip dress, makeup and hair from the night before. Wait, is it still the night before?

It’s a bit cold and kind of clammy and my mind is vacillating between the urge to panic bluntly halted by an unconsciously sly smirk that keeps curving up on the right side of my mouth.

Loser! Badass! Loser! Badass! repeating in my head like my conscious self is battling my ego; one screaming, You are a loser! and the other screaming You are a badass!

I hear the metal on a clunky door handle creak and then slam open. A large set of keys on a big ring that slides over one’s wrist clanks loudly as footsteps approach and then pass.

Stephanie, put your pants on! a voice yells in the distance. My eyes widen and I lift my head to hear a little better. Stephanie! Where are your pants? Put your pants on!

Silence.

I listen intently to hear what’s next, but nothing…

Apparently the stank smell that had wafted in my direction about fifteen minutes earlier, forcing me to gag slightly, caused whomever Stephanie was to be pants-less.

Can I have another blanket? a soft female voice, whom I assume is Stephanie, asks.

NO, you’re only allowed ONE blanket…!!! Buuuuuut let me see what I can do.

A few minutes pass. Then, footsteps and a shadowy figure pass and a now quiet voice offers a blanket… since you have no pants, I hear.

I lay my head back down on my baby pillow and try to relax. It’s still dark, but I have no idea what time it is. I’m not actually tired at all, I’m wired but hope that a little sleep will help the time pass more quickly.

I close my eyes and start chanting Om shreem maha lakshmiyei swaha, in my head: Om shreem maha lakshmiyei swaha, Om shreem maha lakshmiyei swaha, Om shreem. . .

I trail off into thought and pat myself on the back, metaphorically, for having such a dedicated meditation practice.

Om shreem maha lakshmiyei swaha.

I’d be in a full panic-stricken anxiety attack if I didn’t have this practice to help me right now.

-Okay… back to it….

Breathe. Relax…. Om shreem ma…

-How did I even get here?

SHHHHH….. OMMMMM SHREEM

-Like, what the actual fuck?

SHHHHHHH….. OMMMMMMMMMM

-Great, now I have to go to the bathroom.

OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

-I can hold it.

OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

-Nope, gotta go.

I throw the stiff yellow blanket off of me, my bare feet hit the cold concrete floor, riddled with hard pieces of what look like cobalt blue nail polish picked off from the previous tenant.

I peer out the door and into the hallway. Empty. The coast was clear, for the moment anyway, and it seemed quiet enough.

I pull up my dress and pull down my lace thong and carefully squat over the metal toilet as to not touch it with any part of my body. Luckily, it’s a quick and quiet process as I wipe and flush and wash my hands in the tiny sink that sits above the toilet tank. I grab a handful of single ply toilet paper to dry my hands and promptly lay back down in bed, pulling the rough blanket back over my body.

I close my eyes again and try to meditate, try to sleep, try to escape the reality I now find myself in.

Moments later, the lights slam on, and I hear the door and the keys and the footsteps again.

I sit up and ready myself, thinking it’s my turn, but instead someone pushes two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on white bread wrapped in plastic on a styrofoam tray along with a red apple and a small carton of milk, under my door.

Milk? I thought… ew.

I wasn’t expecting food, nor was I hungry, but I picked up my meal and set it on the little table that was welded to the wall in front of the toilet, as I heard the keys in the distance and the door shut behind them.

The lights stayed on this time. It must be breakfast, I thought, morning, trying to guess what time it was.

I laid back down under the blanket, this time pulling it over my head partially to cover my eyes from the bright light that now flickered above me and also to hide the hot tears streaming down my cheeks. Loser!

As quickly as the tears came, they stopped as my ego kicked in again. Badass!

There was that smirk again! Why are you smiling, loser?

I closed my eyes and started chanting in my head again and I think I may have fallen asleep for a short while until yet again, I heard the door slam open, the keys and the footsteps.

Yet again, I sat up, gathered myself and assumed it was my turn.

As the footsteps passed my door again, I realized this happened once an hour, and so I began counting to keep time.

Each time I heard the handle, the door, the keys, I thought they were coming for me, they passed me by.

Lunch came the same as breakfast; two white bread pb&j sandwiches, an apple and a carton of milk.

I still feel a weird gag reflex in my throat when I think about the milk.

By the third meal, dinner, as the light from the window dimmed, I told them I wasn’t going to drink the milk, and to not waste it on me. Just keep it, please.

I could only keep my mind busy with meditation for so long. Sleep wasn’t coming, though I continued trying, and I became restless waiting for it to be my turn.

I counted the lines on the walls and on the ceiling, wished I had nail polish on my nails that I could pick off to leave my mark as the girl before me had, did some squats, basically tried to do anything to pass the time and keep from going insane while I waited.

Eventually I sat on the little metal stool, which was welded to the metal table that was welded to the wall, and I took a few bites of the apples, mealy. I picked at the sandwiches a bit, but honestly, I wasn’t really hungry, and I guess I was surprised to have been given so much food in such a short amount of time. Maybe I’ve been in here longer than I think?

I had no idea what time it was or how many hours had passed even though I was counting the keys and the door slams and the footsteps. It felt like days, but if my count was correct, it had been about eleven hours and was nighttime again.

On the twelfth hour, when I heard the handle clank and the door slam open, I saw two sets of feet pass by, heard two sets of footsteps.

A new girl was in the room next to me.

I gave up hope that I’d leave any time soon and eventually laid back down on the vinyl bed with my little pillow and stiff yellow blanket.

I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand as I tried to meditate again when I heard a voice beckon from the other side of the wall…

What are you in for? she asked.

Everything She Never Had is a book of fiction, inspired by some facts and some true events, based lightly on the timeline of my life. Chapters are released once a week (Thursdays, usually) and (most) are available to read for free for up to two weeks before they are locked and only available to paying subscribers. 💌

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