I'm not sure who needs to hear this but...

Project Positivity Journal Day 3: I'm Still Standing (and so are you)... metaphorically

When I got in my car today and turned it on, the radio was blasting Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” and without skipping a beat I started singing along…“better than I ever did… Lookin' like a true survivor, feelin' like a little kid… And I'm still standin' after all this time. Pickin' up the pieces of my life without you on my mind… I’M STILL STANDING… YEAH YEAH YEAH”.

I continued on my way without thinking too much into it because I was in a pretty good mood all day, even after three sleepless nights, but later, as I was on my walk at the park, it occurred to me that I rarely, if EVER, think about how far I’ve actually come and/or allow myself to sit with that positivity, pride (or whatever it is) for too long without humbling myself. More often than not, I shame myself for not being stronger, for not walking away sooner, for not knowing what I know now, for believing words that were lies, for lowering my standards, betraying myself and for holding onto a hope that things might be better for far too long.

This applies to many stages throughout my life, but my most recent past life is the one I still find myself running from and clinging too in moments of weakness.

Life is mostly pulling yourself out of doubt, talking yourself out of fear & going for it.

I remembered the song and with some awareness, tried to allow myself to stay with the good feelings of how far I have actually come, humming I’M STILL STANDING and smiling to myself while staying on my walk route… though I’m not sure how long it actually lasted because eventually I forgot and my mind drifted onto one of the other millions of thoughts that pass through it at any given time. For instance, I also began giggling OUT LOUD after thinking about a male and female dog duo and introducing them as Doug and Carroll, as if it was nothing. Which still makes me laugh 😂 and the entire scene plays out in my head like a sitcom. When I’m on my walk though, I do try to give my head a break from the racing thoughts, and with a little more awareness, try to practice chanting a mantra (in my head) while I walk, but that doesn’t often last too long either before I catch my own thoughts rambling to themselves about whatever the next hot topic is in Brain Town, Maegansville, USA. However, the awareness of it counts, I suppose, and I’ll try again tomorrow.

As I was on the last stretch of my walk however, my ankle started hurting pretty badly and my straight posture and fast pace slowed to a slump-shouldered snail’s slither and I started crying out of nowhere. My mind raced again, this time trying to solve the Reason for the Tears and it feverishly ran through the files in my head trying to get to the bottom of it, as if I’d win some sort of prize for solving The Reason for the Tears this time, but to ease my overall pain, I settled with hunger and ankle pain, which I’m sure made up only about 10-15% of the tears pie chart, but sometimes the mind just needs a problem to solve and any logical answer allows it to rest. Denial, however, is never an option for me. Somehow I didn’t get that trait from the gene pool, though it would be nice to feel the bliss of ignorance from time to time, I must admit.

I almost didn’t go the extra ten minutes but figured with the rain forecast in the coming days, it would be the smarter decision to walk for 40 mins today instead of 30 since I might not be able to tomorrow. Exactly 8 minutes later though, I wondered if I had opted instead to just get in my car and drive home, would I have ended up in tears at all? It’s clear my mind is on overdrive, which is probably why I haven’t been sleeping…

Isn’t it funny how quickly emotions can change? Or maybe I’m just a crazy peri-menopausal single dog lady trying to sort through a lot at the moment, but truly, we all are, always sorting through whatever is at the forefront of our lives at any moment in time, aren’t we? Aside from what’s going on in the world right now, and all the things out of our control, we really come down hard on ourselves when we think we’ve fumbled something we DID have control over, don’t we?

I had to check myself when I thought that avoiding the tears would have been the better option, because what if I needed those tears? And who's to say that if I hadn’t chosen to walk the extra ten minutes that the tears wouldn’t have come anyway?

Because it was dusk, no-one was nearby, so I didn’t have to really conceal my tears as I walked through the lines of massive orange trees, bursting with bright orange balls, almost ready to pluck and as my tears dried up I started wondering about all the possible immigrants working on our farms and orchards all over California, picking our fruit and vegetables that we send to the rest of the country and working so hard for so very little pay and then my tears returned for all the families that will inevitably break in the coming days and months, ripped apart from each other and for all of their sadness and tears, and for the people perhaps hiding in fear now, not going to work to earn a living for their family, and for all the children who might feel like it’s their fault after being detained at school, only to have their parents snatched away from them when they come to pick them up and then held in camps or prison or possibly worse… and as I stood there in the middle of the orange grove, sobbing, I hoped that after all of this, they are Still Standing too.

Happy Weekend, Lovecats… See you tomorrow.

xoxo …love, Maegan 🌳