Sometimes having no other choice is the best choice of all.
The one about how the power outage today changed everything...
I woke up this morning with my dogs in my arms, as I normally do, except THIS morning I didn’t mind that they were laying on my sheets because I knew it was sheet washing day. Usually, I try to keep them on the blankets I set on top of my bed because inevitably, they leave a Frenchie trail of “dog bits and pieces” wherever they go. This is why they are not allowed on my sacred sheets, but today I didn’t mind.
I smiled and patted their heads lovingly, and then turned on my guided meditation so I could stay in bed a little bit longer. It was 9:30am.
Around 10am, while still in bed, I got a text from my stepdad about a Spectrum notification he received… I casually assumed the wifi was out and thought great, well alright, no Internet today but that’s okay, I’ll make due, it will probably come back on in a few hours, no problem.
I carried the dogs down the stairs and immediately hit the power switch on my fountain and it didn’t turn on… which is when I promptly realized that it wasn’t just Spectrum that was out, the power was out.
I walked out onto the deck and noticed several parked white service trucks and men in orange vests on the street below and yelled down… ARE YOU THE REASON THE POWER IS OUT?
They yelled back… IS YOUR POWER OUT?
🙄
I responded… YESSSSSSSSSSS
They yell back… YES, IT WILL BE OUT UNTIL 4PM
GREAT, I respond and then yell I LOVE LIVING ON THE MOUNTAIN!
It was sarcasm, and I’m 100% sure no-one cared how I felt about the power being out or how I now feel about living on the mountain in general, but my patience for the mountain antics has far surpassed my level of comfort and so whenever ANYTHING goes haywire, which it inevitably does because that’s what it’s like living here, I LOSE IT.
And I did… lose it.
My happy morning turned shit in just under 5 minutes flat. I suddenly created an entire story about what was going to happen today BECAUSE the power was out all day and became so unhinged that I almost started crying.
You see, for some reason, this particular house in this particular location, is very unlike the 3 other houses in 3 other locations I’ve lived at on the mountain. It’s 10 times more challenging and it seems like as soon as I solve one problem, another pops up, and this has been going on since I moved in last November.
If I hadn’t lived in 3 other houses in 3 other locations here, I might think that THIS was just how it was, but NO, for some reason, THIS house is a challenge and takes a lot of energy, physical and mental, to manage on a daily basis. And again, as SOON as I feel happy and think okay, problem solved! Something else happens and I have a new problem to solve.
At this point, I’m just so far at the end of my rope that any little thing just sends me over the edge. I think the fact that I’m also planning on moving and am having a hard time staying patient looking for a place to live down the mountain, my resistance or resilience to handling anything out of the ordinary, is also very low.
There was one point where I really thought that it was entirely possible that there was a ghost in this house who did not want me here and was purposely doing things to get me to leave. You know in Beatlejuice, when the ghosts were messing with the family to get them to leave? THAT’S HOW IT FELT.
More recently though, it has felt like a bit of a test… if ever I have any little tiny hint of doubt or a thought like, 🤔 maybe I should stay…? a day later, an hour, sometimes even MOMENTS later, something will remind me that NOPE, it’s time to go. This feels slightly more reassuring than a ghost, but still, it’s annoying.
It’s definitely time to go, I know this in every inch of my being, but it’s possible that when I woke up this morning, enjoying my space so much, the way the sunlight was shining through the skylights, I may have had a thought (that I didn’t even acknowledge) about staying on the mountain… and then, sure enough, the power outage reminded me how hard it is up here and how nice it will be to live in an area (and a house) that doesn’t need constant assistance all the live long day!
I know, I KNOW, it’s just a power outage and it happens everywhere. Yes, you’re right, but for some reason, stuff like this happens on the regular up here. Even if you’re not shoveling snow, something is bound to throw a wrench in your day, which just makes the ease of everyday living, harder than it needs to be.
IT’S NOT LIKE I LIVE ON A FARM where I am aware of the work involved with maintaining that life! But there are definitely things you have to think about here that you just don’t in other areas - down the mountain, and I think I’m just tired of it all.
Today, however, changed as soon as I realized I couldn’t even make my coffee and then more stories in my head of what I was going to do today without power and NOT being able to do the things I had planned, had me spinning in circles of more and more stories of how horribly unacceptable it was going to be.
I finally just got dressed and went to Starbucks, grabbed a coffee and a muffin, which I haven’t done in years, and then stopped in the library and picked up three books before heading back home.
Even though I had just been in a cranky mood, I immediately became aware of how my mind shifted into a calmer state BECAUSE my power was out and I had nothing else to do and had all the time in the world.
Aside from worrying my grande coffee Frappuccino with no whip was going to melt, I was in no rush, and it felt wonderful. I drove home without a care in the world, feeling the privilege of my life in general.
FOR YEARS, before I started making my own coffee at home, this was my typical LA breakfast; coffee frap and a bran muffin. Every morning I would wake up, get dressed and drive to the closest Coffee Bean (I hated Starbucks then), or the little mom and pop donut shop on the corner who made their own Ice-blended mochas or to the Country Store when I lived in the Canyon, who had a little coffee vendor out front and made delicious blended coffees…
When I returned back home with my breakfast and books, dogs so excited to see me home so quickly, instead of heading into my office checking my email or scrolling through Instagram, I sat at my little dining room table and opened a book while sipping my coffee and eating my muffin.
It took me a minute to see it, but suddenly I was transported back to my twenties, sitting at the backyard patio table with my coffee and muffin, books and journals scattered about and my LA Weekly newspaper opened to the crossword puzzle, smoking cigarettes and living the “actor’s life”.
This means that I was basically unemployed and waiting for auditions to come in from my agent. I usually had evening jobs at restaurants, but there were a few years after a run of successful commercials in the late nineties that allowed me to live off of the earnings without also needing another job in between.
I smiled thinking that I still have control of my schedule in the same way now as I did back then. The circumstances have changed WILDLY and so have the lines on my face, but having the freedom in my days to wake up whenever I want and basically create my own schedule and do whatever I want to, whenever I want to, is wealth to me.
Wealth is the freedom to spend your days however you want to.
It is said that people who feel like they have more control over their days are happier overall, and I would have to agree with that… which is why I had such an insane reaction to the power outage today. It was out of my control and made me feel like I didn’t have control over my day, that instead, IT was in control of my day… and that just pissed me off I guess.
I didn’t realize this until a bit later though, when I decided to grab a towel and my books and head out onto the sunny deck with the dogs to lounge in the sun. What else was there to do?
After laying there a while I realized I was so relaxed and just having the most wonderful day. At that moment I received a text from my mom asking how I was doing and I said.. you know, if I CHOSE this was what I was going to do today, I’d be having the best day ever!
And in that moment I realized I could CHOOSE IT and also choose to be happy about it, because I was.
My back, which had been spasming since Sunday was suddenly pain free, the sun was shining, although it was still chilly, but the dogs were happy we were all lounging in the sun and around 2pm when the wind picked up we went inside.
When I looked at the time I thought to myself Oh YAY! I get two more hours if the power doesn’t come back until 4! And laughed knowing that earlier in the day I would have said UGH, 2 MORE HOURS TO GO and was so happy to have had the awareness of my change in perspective about it.
It felt like the perfect way to spend this last day of mercury retrograde, after this very very tumultuous month, not only of planetary alignments and full moons, but in my own personal life as well. Overall, I had the most wonderful forced relaxation day because in the end I really had no other choice and sometimes having no other choice is the best choice of all.
xoxo …love, Maegan
Speed Racer!!! 😮
I’m so glad your day turned around so quickly! I had NO IDEA you had a career in commercials… That was so fun to watch. Short hair, lots of bright colors, just total epitome of the 90’s!