Come As You Are: Season 2 Episode 14

Happy Monday Lovecats…

I hope you are doing well! I have a bit of a full moon hangover from the weekend and I’m blaming the moon because my mood was so heavy that I need some sort of “reason” as to why I felt so low… and I mean LOW. Which felt so silly because I had released my newest song on Friday, and by Saturday morning, was in a slump.

This new roller coaster of emotions is a whole new theme park with rides I’ve never been on and I just want to get off.

Today’s episode is basically 18 minutes of me trying not to cry… and while I don’t normally watch my videos back before publishing, after filming, I got dressed, ran my errands, went to the park for my walk and watched it upon returning… and even though I did work through my mood while on my walk and was feeling better, I still decided to post the crash out version above.

It’s not that bad, honestly, but I often wonder WHEN I’ll stop feeling so raw and vulnerable, when I’ll feel actually “healed” from the past 8 years of my life, and when I’ll be able to go about my days living in my present without my past still a fresh wound that feels like the scab is being ripped off of daily.

However, I was slightly annoyed with myself for allowing this lame energy to continue consuming my being when I have so much to be grateful for. It’s a challenge to recognize what needs to come through me to heal and what needs to be smacked out of me, so to speak, with a little tough love - or physically from a ball to the face, i.e. I Heart Huckabees, which always makes me giggle, but is also a serious take on existentialism and life in general.

It’s also hard to constantly feel like I’m wallowing in my own shit when the world is also going to hell in a handbasket, so to speak, and there are far more important issues at hand than my silly little feelings.

On the other HAND, I don’t want to dismiss the emotional state that I might actually have to work through in order to NOT continue feeling this way forLIKEever.

I also wonder if I might be trying to intellectualize my emotions so I don’t have to feel them. Thinking that maybe if I understand them intellectually, they’ll go away.

A-HA!!!

In fact, I know this to be at least partially true because it’s the release I feel when I do finally “get it”, that sigh of relief when I think OHHHHH, NOW I KNOW WHY they did this and why I did this, etc…

But here I am just sitting with all of this. All of these emotions from the past that I was gaslit out of feeling, told that what I was experiencing never happened or that I was overreacting or overthinking or being dramatic by simply having an emotional response to them, according to whomever was on the other side of the conversation that didn’t want to take accountability for the way they treated me and the lies they wanted me to believe about my own reality.

I’m tired of feeling victimized by people. I worry I’ve lost trust in everything and I’m not sure which way to go. I’m working daily to NOT be a caged bird, but to free myself from my own mental constraints, embedded in me by manipulating demons.

I think this means I just have to “go with the flow” and stop trying so hard to be healed, stop trying so hard in general, and just allow myself the time to actually sit with the feelings, feel them and set them free.

xoxo …love, Maegan 🖤