This evening while I was making dinner, I randomly listened to Glennon Doyle’s “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast, episode 278: The Power of Child-Free Women (which really talks about all forms of motherhood, but how it’s thrust upon us without much choice, as women - it’s a good listen, if you’re interested) and it got me thinking AGAIN about my own journey with infertility and wondering why I’m just NOW actually grieving the finality and loss of it all.
The fact that I’m wondering WHY is already a sign that I’m judging myself for not having grieved it sooner OR because I think I should be over it by now OR whatever other sneaky judgement or belief my subconscious has about it.
But there’s also this toxic positivity mantra that continues to swirl in my own mind… it COULD happen, though. It could STILL happen! And then I think of the tiny percentage of women who DO get pregnant at a very late age in life -and by late age, I mean late age FOR PREGNANCY only - which somehow also keeps the hope alive in me so I don’t have to grieve the loss of it.
But really, it’s just denial. Really, that hope has just kept me from this very grieving process I am in the midst of now… which is one of the reasons it has taken me so long to get here.
It’s been on my mind so much lately and I’ve written about it twice here now (see posts below), so I thought maybe a video where I could actually TALK about it, might help me sum it up a little bit better FOR MYSELF and hopefully make points that might be relevant to anyone else who finds themself in a similar situation.
I think it’s just something I’m going to have to go through at this point, the grieving of it, I mean, because I never fully went through it in my past, I ran from it and denied it… and that’s probably because I was actually STILL TRYING to get pregnant these last 7 years, I just wasn’t talking about it.
I honestly think I have just been in complete denial of the fact that I can’t get pregnant and that somehow I have (had) hope that it would still happen. In the same way I have hope that a horrible relationship will miraculously be different if he just changes… and neither are true.
The finality of it all is hitting me NOW.
(watch the video for the full story and breakdown, both literally and emotionally)
* The video is for paying subscribers only.
